Waving Wednesday 3 results

01/08/2013 § 1 Comment

Well that’s that over with.

The third and final Waving Wednesday challenge was notable for the quality rather than the quantity of its entries, a fact which was of great relief to the judges.

Offerings ranged from the personal (Paul Emmett’s “A demoted percussionist who has had one stick taken away and is made to stand at the front of the class”) to the frankly weird (Paul again, with “A small, masked duck which lives on the tops of rocky mountain areas”). Charles Wroth (“A musician, short of an instrument but long on enthusiasm”) gains points for wittiness, but loses them again for plagiarising (or “adapting”, as he will no doubt claim) Chambers Dictionary’s definition of “Eclair” (“A cake, long in shape, but short in duration”). Some bore the hallmark of bitter personal experience (Tom Robson’s “A musician who is well practised at following many people at the same time”, for example; or Paul Hoskins’s Eeyore-ish “A person who changes the sound (of musicians, singers, pieces of music), sometimes for the better”). Damian Penfold’s “See God” was proof positive that we chose correctly when awarding the first Waving Wednesday challenge (for the best collective name for a group of stick-wielders) to “a delusion of conductors”. Tangentially related, and rather brilliant, was “See also: Insulator — a really really bad conductor” from Ruth McWeeney.

Most were insulting. I’m getting used to it.

The winner (for there has to be one) is Paul Emmett for his definitions which are the first five on the list below.

If you didn’t win any of the Waving Wednesday challenges, don’t despair! You can still buy Waving, Not Drowning from www.wavingnotdrowningbook.com. We recommend the signed copies, a snip at £7.

Thanks to everyone for entering. Here ends this opening burst of publicity. Normal topics will be discussed as soon as possible.


The complete entry list:

A demoted percussionist who has had one stick taken away and is made to stand at the front of the class

The primary source of income for the makers of white tuxedos.

A fragile human being who, over the course of an evening concert, will shower professional string players in sweat and tears while looking despairingly at the lower brass section.

The small pieces of discarded metals which are placed into potatoes and lemons to light a small bulb.

A small, masked duck which lives on the tops of rocky mountain areas.

(Iron.) — celebrity desperate for highbrow career transition via medium of mediocre reality TV show.

A being who transmits electricity from a group of musicians to an audience by waving a stick.

A person who changes the sound (of musicians, singers, pieces of music), sometimes for the better.

A person who, if publisher has failed, tries to disguise composer’s wishes by interpreting the score.

A musician who is well practised at following many people at the same time.

One who facilitates the movement of energy through a group of musicians. Often meets resistance. The best conductors are short, fat and cold

One who is cloaked with an invisibility shield, and frequently ignored by viola and 2nd violin players

One who is ignored by many but takes all the credit for their good work.

A conductor provides intellectual, cultural, ethical, and spiritual leadership to an orchestra or choir by waving his arms around.

One who labours under the misapprehension that he can make things happen by waving his arms around. Wannabe Jedi.

Person standing in front of an orchestra waving their arms around because they’re not good enough to play an instrument in the orchestra.

One who silently transmits electrifying waves with the intention of creating an integrated performance from an ensemble of musicians”.

A false Ductor.

A control freak concealed by four thousand anecdotes.

Contraction of original term Conductorbeamusician.

An experimental forcefield that has the unique effect of attracting all positive ions (also known as Praisions) in the area whilst simultaneously redirecting negative ions (known as Criticions) to the nearest string section.

Expanded, anagrammised form of the usual description of an MD.

See God.

See Dawkins, Richard, 2006 Bestseller.

Someone or something that a creating energy or substance can flow through.

Of uncertain etymology (but likely to derive from the Latin and/or Medieval Latin terms ‘conductor’ = escort; ‘conductus’ = a hired man, a hired priest, contraction; ‘conductio’ = spasm, convulsion, or ‘conduco’ = to bribe, to cause to curdle), the term ‘conductor’ is used to describe a person who suffers from rare, strong periodic spasms and convulsions, particularly in their arms, and who is employed, at advantageous financial terms, at larger musical ensembles and/or entertainments to stand between the performers and the audience, with the dual purpose of entertaining the latter and attempting to induce, by means of bribes (principally in the form of tea), or to scare (for example, by causing the milk for the tea, or, in extreme cases, the performers’ blood, to curdle) the former to play at their maximum capacity. Occasionally, the figure of the conductor or the events may assume characteristics associated with religious or other otherworldly contexts. Today, the lamentable figure of the conductor is one of the best-preserved remnants of the ‘freak show’ entertainments, exhibitions of biological rarities (also known as ‘freaks of nature’), which, like the figure of the conductor itself, rose to particular popularity during the nineteenth century.

A deceitful installer of air conditioning conduits.

A musician, short of an instrument but long on enthusiasm.

A devious duck who cons his fellow duck friends that he is a member of the medical profession.” (alternative and more appropriate spelling being ‘conducktor’)

Someone who practises the motions of a drowning person in the pursuit of music making.

An individual who stands opposite musicians.

The word conductor comes from con — fooling other people, duct — a piece of piping e.g. trombone, or — short for “or something”. So basically con-duct-or is someone who fools trombonists or something…

A failed percussionist.

One who is fed up of lugging a musical instrument around (which explains why so few piccolo players become conductors)

A person who gets applause for others’ work.

A stickwaver.

An excuse for a musician; a waiver.

A stick man.

A self-proclaimed musician without an instrument to prove it.

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§ One Response to Waving Wednesday 3 results

  • Charles says:

    Well spotted, the attempt at plagiarism! Damn your eyes.

    Entries to look up in Chambers (for the record):
    bachelor’s wife
    charity begins at home
    Jacquard loom
    petting party
    Santa Claus

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