Thank you for attending the Billy Connolly event at Hammersmith Apollo. Please take a few minutes to complete the following questionnaire:
How satisfied were you with the booking experience?
A. Very satisfied.
B. Somewhat satisfied.
C. Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied.
D. We’re beginning to think we should have used an easier word to say repeatedly than ‘satisfied’.
E. Far from gruntled.
F. Actively disgruntled.
How happy were you with the venue experience?
A. Very happy.
B. Quite happy.
C. Happy happy happy.
D. Clap your hands if you feel like a room without a roof.
In your opinion, paying four pounds for the privilege of collecting your tickets from the Box Office is:
A. I can’t…even…
B. Wait what HOW MUCH?
C. Larceny, pure and simple.
D. All of the above.
Billy Connolly is:
A. Extremely funny.
B. A 73-year-old man with the mind of an 8-year-old-boy.
C. Absolutely irresistible.
D. A master storyteller.
E. All of the above.
Two hours without an interval is:
A. A long time.
B. A really long time.
C. A really really long time, especially if you’re a 73-year-old with Parkinson’s who’s holding an audience of 3000 in the palm of your hand.
When you were eleven, what did you think ‘The Big Yin’ meant?
A. The big one.
B. The Deranged Bearded Scot Wearing Banana Boots.
C. NEXT QUESTION PLEASE.
People who rustle crisp packets for the duration of a two-hour comedy show should be:
People who hold conversations with their neighbour for the duration of a two-hour comedy show should be:
People who do both of the above should be:
A. Given the severest punishment available.
A. The occasional hard stare.
You’re English, aren’t you?
A. How did you know?
Did it make any difference?
A. What do you think?
A. Yeah, I know, right?
A. Hold on, wasn’t this supposed to be a questionnaire?
Oh, right. Erm… Ok, now I remember. After leaving the venue, full of laughter and memories, and realising that this was almost certainly the last time you would see this comedy legend perform, did you have a little cry?
B. Definitely not.
C. Stop looking at me.
D. Who’s slicing onions?
E. STOP IT.
Do you have any further comments?
A. No, I’m good.
You mean ‘fine’, don’t you?
C. Yes sorry I’ll never do it again, and I’ll never say ‘can I get’ when I mean ‘please may I have’.
Ok. We’ll say no more about it, then.